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[Felicius]

http://blog.dawn.com/2010/11/05/dr-q-t-kha...-Pakistan-pt-1/

Dr. Q T Khan’s concise history of Pakistan: Pt 1
by Nadeem F. Paracha on 11 5th, 2010 | Comments (45)

8th-19th century

Pakistan came into being on the 14th of August 712 AD. Gallant Arab leader, conqueror, poet, and expert javelin thrower, Muhammad Bin Qasim, is believed to have founded the country.

However, some modern-day Pakistani historians suggest that Pakistan was first established by Adam, eons ago (and that is why some areas of Pakistan produce such delicious apples).

Qasim’s forces entered what is now the Sindh province of Pakistan in 712 AD. After defeating the infamous infidel playboy Raja of the area, Qasim proclaimed a pious republic, which he soon called the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

After Qasim’s success (for which he was thanked by the Caliph through torture), Muslim rulers of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded the boundaries of the country. Some Pakistani historians believe that Pakistan’s boundaries once stretched from Bharat through China and all the way to Alaska.

Though Islamic Republic of Pakistan remained large and strong with tall, dark and handsome men as rulers, it began to deviate from the true path during the Mughal era. Pakistani historians have blamed Mughal emperor Akbar for this.

Akbar, though a powerful king, was the only ruler of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan who was not tall, dark and handsome. This was due a peculiar virus that Akbar contracted from his many non-Muslim wives.

Had Akbar’s non-Muslim physicians not duped Akbar into believing that the virus was actually a show of tolerance and integration, Akbar too would have been tall, dark and handsome.

This virus made Akbar do things that can be considered blasphemous (especially the act of him becoming a vegetarian).

The deviating ways of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan were thankfully arrested by what most Pakistani historians rightly believe was the republic’s greatest ruler, Aurangzeb-ul-Haq. Aurangzeb took over the throne by peacefully blinding his dad and equally peacefully killing his two brothers.

One of Aurangzeb’s brothers, Dara Shikoh, was suffering from the same virus Akbar had suffered from. Had I been alive in those days, I would have advised Aurangzeb bhai to explode a nuclear device over Dara.

This would have killed that damn virus once and for all.

Aurangzeb imposed strict Shariah law across the whole country. He banned music, dance, alcohol, coffee, tea, basant, theatre, shaving (for both men and women), smoking, gyms (only for women), transvestites, vegetables, powered milk, shrines, Sufis and heavy metal music.

The boundaries of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded even more dramatically under the pious leadership of Aurangzeb. Some historians suggest that under him, Pakistan’s boundaries stretched from the entire subcontinent across China, Russia, Europe, Alaska all the way to the legendary city of Atlantis.

Alas, the long pious rule of Aurangzeb came to an end when he died a natural death at the young age of 90. Instead of his sons, he designated a Yemeni camel to succeed him, but the camel was soon slaughtered by his sons and its meat used to cook biryani.

While his successors were having camel biryani, the country was invaded by the British imperialists. The British brought with them a new manifestation of Christianity, called science. All of sudden, after hundreds of years, Islam was clearly under attack in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

Many gallant Muslims fought bravely against the British, but some pansy Muslim scholars like Sir Khan advised his people to adopt the new religion, science, in spite of the fact that this religion was being promoted by camel stealing Jews and malicious Christian tea addicts.

Sir Khan was a well-meaning man, but was misguided. Some Pakistani historians believe he too had contracted the Akbar virus. He began to praise the religion of science, advocating the building of colleges instead of mosques; libraries instead of madressas; and private bath tubs instead of garam hamams (public baths).

Though he had a long white beard, famous Pakistani religious scholar, Inzimamul Haq, is of the view that Sir Khan’s beard was a fake. He thinks it was given to him by one Sir John Doe, who used to dress up as Santa for the kids of British imperialists during Christmas.

Inzimam believes that if a true Muslim reads Sir Khan’s writings carefully, he will notice that all he ever said, really, was ‘ho ho ho.’

20th century

British imperialists with the diabolic co-operation of Pakistan’s Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, animist, atheist, communist, socialist and cannibalistic shrine worshipping communities, took control of the politics, military and economy of the Islamic republic.

These were the most testing times for the Muslims of Pakistan, struggling under the yoke of evil Christian Empire ruled by evil Seth lord Sir Lord Mount Vadar and the Borg Queen Elizabeth.

Two major political parties emerged in the region. The scheming Hindus formed the Indian National Congress – they had started to call Pakistan India – and the All Pakistan Muslim League (APML).

The Congress pretended to be anti-British to gain sympathy from misguided Muslims, but the hunger stricken state of its leader, Mahatma Thin Lizzy, was such that it did not take much for him to gather pity.

It was said that he almost never ate, never slept, never drank and at times never seemed to be breathing at all. Famous Afghan philosopher-king and mountain climber, Meeda Gul Bakaoli, claims that Mahatma was actually an inanimate coat-hanger who somehow became a spiritual leader and politician of the Hindus.

Journalist, intellectual and conspiratorial bowl movement expert, Sansar Abba disagrees. According to him, Mahatma was actually a prototype German android who was possessed by an evil sprit called Pazuzu, of The Exorcist fame, and which Sansar believes is a movie based on Zaradri’s doings.

In the entire ruckus, Muslims finally saw the emergence of a savior. His name was Hazrat Muhammad Ali Jinnah Rehmatulah Alaih.

Most Pakistani historians have refuted the claim that Jinnah was a western educated secular man. They say this image of Jinnah was propagated by such malicious propaganda masters as Dr. Peter Pervez and Zoroastrian sorcerer Ard Crowley (pronounced as ‘Cowasjee’ in Punjabi). Both were on the payroll of the Christian Borg Queen.

Jinnah plunged himself in the liberation movement, vowing to once again make Pakistan an Islamic republic free from all secular deviations and assorted evils.

But just as Muslim forces led by a yet unborn Zed B Hamid were able to push a combined army of British zombies, Hindu Brahmins, head banging Sikhs and naked Jains from what became West and East Pakistan, Jinnah sadly passed away.

Secular history records that Jinnah died of TB, but the truth is, that he died of radiation poisoning when an eggplant sent to him by diminutive Hindu tyrant, Punkit Nehru, exploded in his hands. Yes, sir, such is the evil one should expect from vegetarians.

Pakistan shrunk as it lost a lot of land to the Hindus. The remaining Islamic republic struggled under the incompetence of a number of anglophiles and the constant whining of East Pakistan’s Bengalis who were on the payroll of the Hindus (all 1.1 billion of them).

But, alas, in 1958 yet another savior arrived. He was Field Marshal Air Bender Khan. Though not a very observant Muslim, he was however the next best thing: i.e. a rabid capitalist.

He turned the Islamic republic into an industrial paradise, helped in this cause by 22 very enterprising families. Unfortunately, the great Khan forgot about the rest of Pakistan. When he realised that Pakistan had more people than the Army and the 22 families, he promptly went to war with India.

Pakistani forces fought gallantly, led by a 2-month-old Zed B Hamid who almost re-conquered all of India, but was denied this victory when Khan was kidnapped by the agents of the Elders of Zion, and brainwashed into agreeing to a ceasefire.

By 1969 Ayub was toppled by Soviet agents led by one Zulfi Bhutto. In 1970 Zulfi won the elections in West Pakistan and declared victory, forgetting there was also an East Pakistan. When the Army realized this, it promptly went to war with India.

[Khalqat]

NFP is such a low life. If he could, he would rather prefer to evolve from the water to apes before finally coming to terms with our troubled history. What a cry baby. I would'nt be surprised he would one day disown his own parents and family.

[Felicius]

http://dawn.com/2012...ous-not-better/


Smokers’ Corner: More pious, not better
From the Newspaper | Nadeem F. Paracha | 13 hours ago



The ‘Islamisation’ debate in Pakistan should not only be about the implementation of various ‘Islamic laws’ by the state and governments of Pakistan. It should also incorporate the study of the so-called Islamisation of public space, or space that was historically and inherently secular in nature. One of the most prominent examples in this respect is the manifold growth in the number of mosques and madrassahs in the last 25 years, and this trend’s physical and symbolic extension into the secular space of society.

For example, ever since the early 1980s, there has been a visible augmentation in the formation of ‘praying areas’ in offices in both private and government institutions, and the toleration of laxities allowed to employees at the workplace regarding prayer timings.

However, as can be observed from the findings of various academic and research-based studies (mainly on assorted criminal activity in the country in the last 25 years), the growth in the number of mosques, implementation of Islamic laws, and an increase in regular practice of faith among the populace ever since the 1980s has not exactly helped make society any more law-abiding and constructive than what it already was.

In fact, the rate of crime has increased dramatically and social commentators have continued to bemoan the ‘institutionalisation of social hypocrisy.’
But this hasn’t prompted influential sections of the state, media and public at large to evaluate the failure of the ‘Islamisation’ initiatives.
On the contrary, the failure of these initiatives to generate a more morally correct and better society has ironically made its advocates actually accelerate their efforts.

For instance, beginning in the 1980s, there are more religious programmes on television and radio than ever before. Also, more and more lawns and drawing-rooms are becoming venues for religious lectures and darrs. In fact, even in modern, posh shopping malls, the central sound system is used to broadcast the azaan!

Secular space is rapidly shrinking and the sociology of Pakistan today is strikingly different from what it was till about the late 1970s.
Advocates of these trends would rightly suggest that social Islamisation could not have taken place without the consent of the majority of the people. True. But one need not be a professional sociologist to determine the resounding failure of this initiative to convert Pakistan into a morally sound community of people.

Social, cultural and economic indicators of the last 25 years suggest a society displaying a religiosity that, at the same time, is convolutedly trying to reach a forced synthesis with modern material want and ambition.
There is an inherent dichotomy between loud displays of moral piety and the desire to taste the fruits of amoral materialism.

Nevertheless, in Pakistan this dichotomy has been turned into a collective attempt to work it as a synthesis.
The apologist argument in this respect is that being pious doesn’t mean one can’t be materialistic as well. This apologia can be countered in a number of ways, especially when the piety that is being displayed is supposedly following the dictates of a dyed-in-the-wool brand of faith — a brand of piety in which, for example, music may become ‘haram’, but getting paid to endorse a western brand of chips as ‘halaal,’ is fine!

Addressing such convolutions has become the work of televangelists and ‘modern sounding’ preachers.
Their role can be defined as helping mould a workable narrative that is constructed from certain select religious texts and then offered to their audience as an Islamic rationale to survive in the modern material world as a loudly practicing Muslim without feeling guilt or angst.
This dichotomy is then converted into a religiously rationalised normality.

But the question again arises, how constructive has been such an arrangement? It has clearly not turned Pakistan into a better, more law-abiding society than it was before the so-called Islamisation process really kicked in (during the Ziaul Haq dictatorship).
As Ziaul Haq’s ‘Islamise society from above’ process failed to address the utopian expectations of the people for the ‘ideal Islamic state’ that he had promised; and as political and economic corruption further eroded Zia’s regime, the Islamists and various fundamentalist groups that had risen in the 1980s, decided to ‘Islamise society from below.’
The idea was to Islamise all aspects of society so that people will ‘turn from being just Muslims into becoming Islamic.’
Interestingly, the state and the governments even after Zia’s demise allowed this brand of social Islamidation to continue, as long as it didn’t exhibit any overt political ambitions. But it did.

The Islamists and the fundamentalists were free to carry on Islamising social space, so much so that today it has become impossible to escape religious symbolism and rhetoric in even the most traditionally secular spaces and surroundings.
The socialisation of a theologically puritan strain of faith has been an all-encompassing event. Its symbols and rhetoric abound on billboards, in shopping malls, parks, on cars, in buses, drawing rooms, on TV screens, in offices and in everyday lingo.
It seems Pakistanis have lost the capability to separate the religious from the secular.

So what’s wrong with that, some might ask?
Well, this trend has consequently molded a mind-set that has become almost voluntarily vulnerable to the Islamists’ exploitative socio-political manoeuvres.
This might answer the question as to why society throws up its arms in disgust after a drone attack but remains awkwardly quiet every time a terrorist murders scores of common people, cops and soldiers in a suicide blast.

And perhaps that’s why — after being cowed down by so many years of Pakistani state’s and its civilian allies’ ‘Islamic project’ — the Pakistani society may have a ready-made consensus on, say, the dangers of alcohol abuse, but still can’t seem to reconcile to a common consensus on who or what is an extremist.

[Felicius]

http://dawn.com/2012...rs-of-Pakistan/


The grass eaters of Pakistan
Nadeem F. Paracha | 1 day ago

“We will fight (Hindia) for a thousand years!” Declared chairman of the Pakistan Beables Barty (BBB), Zulfikar Ali Bruto. A couple of years later he was in Hindia trying to negotiate the release of 90,000 Bakistani prisoners of war.

Becoming the Prime Minister after the East Pakistan debacle in 1971 AD, Bruto decided to enter into a nuclear arms race with Hindia after the Hindian government, led by a closet witch, Hindra Gandhi, decided to eradicate poverty in Hindia by spending billions of rupees on building a nuclear bum.
“We will eat grass if we have to (to build our own bum)!” Bruto now declared, while having his favorite dish,Chicken malai tikka with roghni naan.
A couple of years later he was hanging from the gallows.

But the beoble of Pakistan who were regularly having the next best thing (tree bark), decided to instead support the prospect of having halal steak promised by Bruto’s pious general, Ziaul Bin Qasim Bin Ghaznavi Bin Ghori Bin Handlebar Moonch.
Of course, there was no such thing as a halal steak; in fact according to the dictates of Zia’s ulema, it washaram for common beoble to have steak because the whole idea smacked of atheistic communism.

The ulema insisted that only military beoble and rich beoble and fat religious beoble could have steaks (albeit halal) because Hindian soldiers were largely vegetarians and worshiped cows.
Zia agreed and put grass back on the common beoble’s menu that now included Pakistani grass, American hay, Chinese bush, Congolese banana leaves and tree bark.
All these were made halal when the great Kingdumb of Saudi Arabia sprinkled the holy waters of Zamzam on the grass – or so it claimed.

When asked by a nosy Jew/Zionist/Reptilian western reporter why he executed Bruto if grass was again to become the staple food for all common Bakistanis, Ziaul replied that the grass Bruto was offering was not being grown according to the Shariah.
“You see,” said Zia, “Balkistan was created in the name of the military … I mean, religion. My religion. Pakistan was created by the great Muslim warrior, diplomat, swordsman, horse breeder and infidel killer, Mohammad Bin Qasim, as the world’s first modern Islamic caliphate.”
“But that doesn’t answer my question,” said the nosy fool of a reporter; “wasn’t the country created by Muhammad Ali Jinnah?”
“No,” Zia replied, “Jinnah created Pakistan – not Pakistan. I hope you understand this.”

Though the Zia caliphate had banned the sale of alcohol (especially in mouthwashes and deodorants), he allowed the smoking of grass as long as it enhanced creativity and enlightened the mind (also called the Fried Brain Syndrome).
This act gave birth to a generation of creative and enlightened patriotic scholars (fried brains) who insisted that their hallucinations were not hallucinations but deep insights into the workings of the cosmic and quantum conspiracies against the Mulsim ummah.

It is from this generation of cosmic warriors and fried brains (a compliment, mind you), that great scholars like Zaid-ul-Che Bin Hunk Hamid, Dr. Shahid Doom, Shaheen Sepoy, Sangsar Abbasi, Dr. Aamir Hamakat, Moby Lookman Dick and Ali Azmat-ul-Haq Al-Axel–ul-Rose emerged.
These are the wise men that today are shining through like bright examples for young Bakistanis to follow and fry their brains for the sake of keeping Pakistan safe from the evil eye of Sauron, SpongBob Square Pants and from those who advocate a ban on cow slaughter.

After successfully hooking the populace on eating and smoking grass, Zia continued feeding all sorts of steaks to his generals and scientists, fattening them so they could build a fat nuclear bum that he could ask his fat generals to throw on the fat generals of Hindia.

But, unfortunately, millions of lives on both sides of the divide were spared (what a waste), when the Pakistan military’s C-130 flying camel on which Zia was riding was shot down by a terrorist group of liberal fascists led by Najam Sethi (aka Najam The Jackal).
Only the camel’s hump could be retrieved from the wreckage. It was stuffed with grass and put in the Pakistan Hall of Humps of Fame right beside the stuffed hump of Muhammad Bin Qasim’s camel.

Zia’s glorious, pious and manly caliphate was replaced by the rule of a woman. Yes, a woman!
She was the daughter of Z A. Bruto. Her name was Benazir Bruto. And she didn’t like grass. It was an outrage!
So she was thrown out by the gallant remnants of Zia led by General Hamid Bull and Ghulam Miswaq Khan and replaced with Zia’s blue-eyed, figurative blond, Mian Sipah-e-Nawazul Sharif.

Though wanting to become Ameerul Momineen (the plentiful commander of the poverty-stricken faithful), he too was thrown out for corruption when he wished to get a hair transplant on his head instead of his face. It was an outrage!

As the fat generals continued playing silly rotating games with Nawazul and Bruto, the people continued to chomp on grass.
But one day the fat scientists, led by lover of North Korean opera, Dr. Kim Qadeer Godzilla, finally managed to make the fat nuclear devise that Z A. Bruto and then Ziaul had worked so hard for. But it was Nawazul who got to explode it.

The rise of Ram Raj in Hindia in the late 1990s and subsequently, of the Bharatiya Bum Party led by Utter Bihari Veggie-Pie, saw Hindia conduct five nuclear explosions (to alleviate poverty and make India shine from the brilliant glow of the beautiful mushroom cloud the blasts produced).

Nawazul was enjoying his second stint as PM when the Hindians test-exploded their bums.
Nawazul replied by test-exploding not one, not two, not three but 6 bums! A fact he has repeated approximately 6000 times in his last six rallies.
He then celebrated the event by allowing common Bakistanis to feast on the grass and tree leaves in the gardens of his lush Raiwind state.

But while Nawazul was making well-fed goats out of the beoble, his steak-loving generals decided to add some radiation to their steaks. This made them even fatter and feel like superheroes, enough to want to conquer Hindia.

Nawazul’s general, General Puppu Musharraf, secretly sent groups of Bakistani military men dressed in sheep’s clothing deep into those parts of the Islamic Republic of Kashmir that were occupied by the forces of Bollywood.

Nawazul was livid. He wasn’t told of the plan: “I am livid!” He shouted. “I wasn’t told of the plan.”

As Bakistani soldiers, posing as beefy mujahidin in sheep’s clothing were fighting it out with the forces of Bollywood being led by Dev Anand and the ghost of Dark Lord of the Sith, Amresh Puri, Nawazul was livid. He wanted the invasion to stop: “I am livid” he shouted. “I want the invasion to stop.”

Also livid was US president, Billy Gaga. “I am livid!” He told Nawazul. “You guys won’t even be able to afford grass after this!”

It was a disaster. Not only did the Bakistani soldiers-cum-mujahideen-cum-sheep-to-the-slaughter retreat from the Islamic Republic of Kashmir, they were pounded by loud Bollywood group dances and terrible item numbers.

Nawazul was removed in a military coup by General Puppu Musharraf.
He was livid.

After getting bored with Hindia (now that Pakistan too had a bum), general Puppu began playing a double-neck-guitar with the gringos.
But the Bakistani beoble had begun to ask why they had to eat grass now that Pakistan had made the bum.
Perturbed by such unpatriotic questions, General Puppu began fattening some beefy extremists while eliminating some skinny ones just so the gringos would keep his army fat.

To do this it was vital that the beoble continued to eat grass.
“For national interest,” he said. “Fat terrorists good, skinny terrorists bad. Strategic depth, baby”.
This silly out-of-its-depth strategy that someone saw fat terrorists helping Pakistan conquer Afghanistan and maybe even the whole of Central Asia, continued even after General Puppu was forced to resign by hordes of lawyers suffering from peptic ulcers.

They had blamed the grass that was being sold to the beoble by the Puppu regime as the main cause of their ulcers. They were led in this crusade by Batman.
Batman had been banished by General Puppu when he wanted to issue an Ajjinomoto notice against Puppu because he thought he was being served steak that was of a lesser quality than the one being served to Puppu.

His Robins in black coats, however, thought it was all about the equable and judicious distribution of good quality grass. They were livid. It was an outrage.
After the 2008 AD election, the BBB, now under the leadership of the captain of the Swiss mountaineering team, Asif Ali Zardari Bruto, returned to power.
Promising people better quality grass, Zardari’s regime was denounced as being treacherous andbeyghairat (dishonorable) when it accepted the gringo aid package under the Kerry-Lugar-Alpha-Beta-Gamma Bill.

The Bill advised the regime to share at least some of the steaks served to the military with at least some of the beoble at least. At least. Livid. Outrage.
“How dare they?” Thought a general, while gazing at his navel and listening to old Malika Pukraj songs on an antique gramophone. And then, as if magically and overnight, this thought became the slogan of a number of ghariratmand (honorable) media persons, opposition parties and supermen and shaheens.

After the Hindians, gringos became our newest enemies. Enemies of our ghairat and sovereignty. They had to be defeated with our sense of ghairat, our TV anchors, national songs, friendly fat terrorists and most of all, our proud grass chomping masses.

Grass eating has become a national duty for the common citizens of Pakistan. Anybody promising anything better is, of course, to be looked at with suspicion and a proudly-paranoid-patriotic disposition. Otherwise lividly and an outrageously.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

[platinum786]

I read two paragraphs and knew this was NFP BS. The guy only has time to praise his leftist terrorist friends and to mourn the loss of his youth era bars.

[Saqr]

If people like him manage a career after writing this garbage, no wonder Pakistan is failing badly.  It shows you our (wealthy folk's) sense of priorities when the NFPs of the world get the opportunity to write articles like this, but the research for medicine, engineering, etc of a Pakistani needs Western funding in order to progress smoothly.

Edited by Saqr, 20 May 2012 - 10:42 PM.

[platinum786]

I support his right to get paid for spouting crap. All the best, I just don't accept it very good reading.

[Skull-Buster]

NFP is a well known anarchist.

[Felicius]

You get to read the view point of the 'other' side. I don't totally disagree with him.
His satires are pretty funny though.

[hifi]

platinum786, on 21 May 2012 - 03:14 AM, said:

I support his right to get paid for spouting crap. All the best, I just don't accept it very good reading.

Its time we put restriction on such freedoms. I mean we did just ban twitter for no reason !

[PakSniper786]

This guy is a class A ass clown.  Often time his satire doesn't even make much sense; its basically mumbling of a person suffering from Alzheimer's.

[platinum786]

At times he is funny, but it's just a reflection of how isolated those with wealth in Pakistani society are from those without. The guy is always bashing Pakistan having a religious identity, the Pakistani military, stuff a lot of poor, middle class and lower middle class Pakistani's associate with.

[Dizasta]

This Nadeem guy is nothing but an @$$©lown.